Stepmom demands $200 for son's visits, mom refuses, leading to social media backlash. AITA? (2024)

Everything my son has, all his toys, all his clothes, all his school stuff, every experience his had - I have paid for and I am proud of that fact. Fast forward to a month ago and I received a message from my son’s step mum.

(They aren’t married but have been together for three years, have a child together and are engaged so it’s easier to describe her as step mum). The message had said that it isn’t financially fair on them to have to pay for things my son wants when with them.

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She has asked for $100 a night - so $200 a fortnight; to pay for his food, clothes, anywhere they go and any toys he wants when with them. I responded with, “if he wants a toy when with you, either you or his father can message me and I will happily transfer the money to one of you - as long as the toy comes home with him”.

She said it was “irresponsible parenting” on my behalf for not wanting my son to have nice clothes and toys when at his dad’s house and that anything bought with them should stay with them. I agreed and said anything THEY buy for him, should stay.

She then made a big deal and posted on social media about how I’m a bad mother and refuse to take financial responsibility for my son. I screenshot it and sent it to his father, and explained the situation to him. He apologised and said he had no idea.

She then messaged me accusing me of trying to break up their relationship because I am a jealous ex and that she doesn’t think it’s right that she should have to “babysit” my child for free.

I said that’s fine, if my son isn’t seen as part of your family and is just a child being babysat - then maybe the custody situation should be revised. I know it’s harsh because I don’t blame my son’s dad, I’m just at such a loss and feel like a major AH. Am I the AH????

EDIT; Thank you to the helpful comments, I didn’t put it into perspective of asking for child support as a way of advocating for my son’s rights. I will be speaking to my social worker and asking for child support that will be put into a bank account for my son. Thank you!

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

westwestmoreland

NTA. But seriously… go for child support. You’re letting down your son by not holding his father to account for part of his upbringing, and that money is for your son, not you. You need to step up and advocate for him so you have the appropriate resources to give him the upbringing he deserves.

VirtualPlate8451

I had a relative get pregnant at 17 by a deadbeat who already had 3 or 4 other kids at the time. She knew he was a loser and he ghosted her early on. A few years in and she is now a single mom of 2 without a degree or a lot of job prospects.

She seeks assistance from the state for food and daycare (in a US state not known for social welfare programs). In the first meeting the state employee asks about the dads. She explains that they are deadbeats who don’t work and so she just didn’t even bother taking them to court.

Turns out the state was not at all cool with that and forced her to get a court ordered child support structure setup with baby daddies. All of a sudden those guys were on the hook for like $200 a month.

Trevena_Ice

NTA but the step mom is. Hope you screenshoted this messages also and send them to the father. He wants to step up for his son? He should do so to his wife as well. Or remind his wife, that her husband would be legally be responsible to be child support.

So if she wants money for two days every two weeks, you might do the same and go for child support for the other 12 days (not that you would do that, but you can use it as an argument) and that you could go after the child support of the last three years. If that is what she wants.

Existing_Fox_6317

NTA. It’s dad’s responsibility to manage this situation. She never should have even reached out to you. All communication and financial arrangements regarding your son should only be between you and his dad and if he ends up leaving stepmom for acting like a teenager, that’s on her for acting like a teenager. If I were in your shoes, I’d tell her to knock it off or you’re filing for child support wage garnishment.

AngelDevil74

NTA. Step mum is very much in the wrong here, seeing how the father did not know any of this was going on. After letting him know how his partner views his child ("as simply someone else's kid being babysat") it is now up to him to discuss it with the step mum and proceed according to his priorities.If he fails to stand up for your son, then revision of the custody set up would be the reasonable next step.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?